Ask a Barbarian: Advice for the rest of us!

Psychotic in Sydney

2010-04-03T19:59:00.000-07:00

"Dear Skulgrim, Son of Skulgrim;

Where in the name of Valhalla's mighty warriors have you fucking been?! I've been waiting here for two weeks for an answer to my problems and I've gotten nothing! Each week I hope your shining wisdom comes in bounty and for each week I've gotten nothing! Have you shriveled into a barren lifeless husk of ignorance?! Where the fuck do you get off ignoring us?!

I'll give you one more week Skulgrim, Son of Skulgrim. Or I'll start sending you parts of my body in pieces! With this I've hacked off my tongue, I shall have no need for it if I receive no blessed wisdom! Next I shall remove my member! Check and mate! Your move Skulgrim, Son of Skulgrim! WHAT WILL YOU MOTHERFUCKING DO!?!?!!?!?

With SHITPISSFUCKDICK,
Psychotic in Syndey

(P.S.: I WILL SLICE MY BALLS OFF AFTER THAT AND CHEW ON THEM BEFORE SPITTING THEM OUT AND SENDING THEM TO YOU!)"

To Psychotic in Sydney

I spend two weeks not posting and you bastards go ballistic. Am I so needed? I suppose the obvious answer is yes. After all my wisdom is boundless. The reason for my absence is simple, Spring Break. That's right, even those who dispense great advice must have their vacations. I might have the limitless insight of Midgard but damn if I don't need a break every once in a god damn while. I have your tongue by the way, I made it into a stew for my war hounds and you know what? They like it.

I would've released an April Fools joke but fuck that shit. I'm lazy, and you know what? You're lazy too.

(Protip: You are a useless, lazy mongrel, you should be ashamed.)

I spent the last two weeks raiding and pillaging villages. I've doubled the size of my Harem and made a bunch of gold and slaughtered countless innocents, as well as enslaved a couple of bastards. But in light of your insanity, I respect you deeply. Two weeks I've been gone, but you've got balls.

For this I grant you the power of Thor. If you look in your backyard, behind that stump where you have all the inflatable sex-dolls with rabbit semen coated over them, you'll find Thor's legendary hammer, Mjǫllnir

(Protip: That's the last hammer you'll ever see.)

Now use the hammer and your insanity to drive fear into the hearts of your enemies! Through fear you will control them and through fear you will conquer them! Thor will take it back in about a month, and likely kill you to take it back so enjoy the ride while it lasts. Be sure to thank your local Skald, after all they are pretty awesome sons of bitches what with the stories and all. Oh yeah, and make sure to plant your seed in a woman so your blood lives on. We need more insane men among the lands of Midgard.

With unlimited wisdom and awesome,
Skulgrim, Son of Skulgrim

(P.S.: Thor might also think you stole it from him while he was getting a drink from the water fountain, if he asks you about this... just don't say anything. Just don't...)

Haunted in Houston

2010-03-13T21:42:00.000-08:00

"Dear Skulgrim, Son of Skulgrim;

I'm a Reverend for my local church, and I've been preaching in the pulpit for roughly thirty five years. Lately however my flock has begun to dwindle. A Mega-church opened up just a mile away from my own humble little establishment. I used to host some seventy five members. As of late I'm barely holding twenty. Now I've been thinking of ways to perhaps make my preaching more interesting, but the Mega-church out does me at every corner.

They've got a coffee shop in the church, gift shops, a golfing course, and they preach on high definition television sets. What's worse is that their Evangelist preacher is young and handsome, far more charismatic then myself, and I've never felt so old for it. Skulgrim, Son of Skulgrim, I've always admired your advice. Like Solomon the wise, please allow me to reap the fruit of your heavenly wisdom.

With divine love,
Haunted in Houston

(P.S.: Perhaps you could give me advice to not only take back my flock, but grow them out a bit?)"

To Haunted in Houston,

Alright, let me just take the moment to tell you why your losing. Because they've got commercialism on their side! Yeah, don't blame their charismatic (and probably homosexual) preacher (with his meth and gigalos), blame your own lack of Starbucks and giftshops! Fact is that in economics the weak fall and the strong survive. In fact that's the truth with everything and anything. The weak die like little pussies and the strong conquer and drink from the chalice of Freyja's titties.

Alright first get a loan and make your own little 'humble' establishment into a Mega-church. I mean think about it, what would Jesus do? Now if you think that's enough, you're far from correct. No prophet ever became such with out a sword. Destroy his Mega-church. Destroy all his television sets, smash the gift shop merchandise, scorch all the coffee-bartender-things for that gay coffee shop crap, and make sure YOU DONT GET CAUGHT.

(Protip: Religion and interpersonal warfare go hand in hand.)

Anyone who sees you, should be disposed of immediately, destroy them. As for their (gay) preacher, I recommend making an example out of him, do as the kings of old. If you wish to take the route of historical bad-ass, Genghas Khan, pour molten silver down his throat and eyes. If you wish to take a more traditional approach, behead him and stick his head on pike. Lord knows that is how he'd want to go anyway, upon a phallic symbol.

Now also maybe you should make what you preach a bit more interesting. The crap about whats-his-face coming back from the dead and all that other zombie stuff is awesome but... try something involving the Norse pantheon. Odin is one manly god, Thor has a hammer of thunder, if that doesn't get interest in your church and testosterone pumping through your members then you need to have nude dancing ladies and perhaps a human sacrificial pit or gladiator fights.

(Protip: Religion is better with sex and violence. [See: The Bible, The Koran, etc].)

Also you might want to have golden idols to make it easier for your flock to worship, after all it worked in the old testament right? Sexy parties, drunken orgies of violence, the promise of Valhalla, let your flock not only return with a vengeance, let it grow into the intense thundering ranks of Asgard! May the Grey One grant you his wisdom and strength Father Awesome, because I sure as hell won't!

But what I have granted you is a plan to put your 'humble' little establishment on the map. Something which will allow your church to go from boring little weekly seminars to a beacon of badass-ness in the Bible-belt!

With wisdom that beats anything of Solomon's,
Skulgrim, Son of Skulgrim

(P.S.: If you get the sexy girls and the violence... I might just come down for a service. I'm not that religious myself but you know what? I might just get a little open minded!)

Vexed in Vermont

2010-03-06T09:31:00.000-08:00

"Dear Skulgrim, Son of Skulgrim;

I'm a big fan, I find your advice both sound and serene. But I've a problem of my own I wish to bring to your attention so that I might receive the same tender, caring words of wisdom. I've been working in the same place for roughly fifteen years. I received a degree in English from Oxford and ever since I've been working for the same boss no matter what changes we've all been through. In all that time however I've never gotten a raise or a promotion.

Now I'm a loyal man, despite all the rising costs and other offers for a better job I've stood by him. But with the cost of living on the rise and the economy being reduced to shambles I've got nothing! Skulgrim, Son of Skulgrim, please ail my woes.

With admiration unyielding,
Vexed in Vermont

(P.S.: Did I mention my English degree?)"

To Vexed in Vermont,

Ah, finally something not involving a relationship! Jeez, if love was any bit important when it came to anything we'd all be making kissy kissy faces at each other instead of trying to blow one another up! But that's beside the point; so you're a wuss and can't ask your boss for a raise, eh? Well maybe you don't deserve it. If you were really a good worker don't you think he would have given you a raise? A promotion? A throne of naked ladies just awaiting your command? (Or men since you're in the liberal arts)

But since you're whining to me I'll help your sorry ass out. You want your boss to know your serious? Show up at work with a trophy of your past conquests. Be it a woman's panties (sexual conquests), a severed head (violent conquests), or the corpse of the Lindbergh baby saturated in fluids containing your DNA (creepy conquests) you want him to know your a conqueror. Now since you said you have an English degree, I assume you work at McDonalds (or Burger King, don't get butthurt) so you want to bring the trophy to your boss, offer it to him and ask for something reasonable like double the minimum wage. After all he wants his best worker to be happy right?

(Protip: 9 out of 10 times, the Fast Food manager is a sociopathic serial killer.)

If your boss denies you, I recommend throwing the prick into deep fat fryer. After seeing that, you will inspire fear in the hearts of your co-workers. In order to rule over them they must not only fear you, but they must be divided. So say that whoever you like best at the end of the day will receive a bonus to their paycheck. This will set them against each other, all of them trying to bring you all kinds of gifts and kiss up to you while backstabbing and sabotaging each other. Your rise to power should be complete here. Divide and conquer, let them unite only against your enemies, and divide them in your favor.

All that being said, you should learn from your past bosses' mistakes. If you have any strong employees, manipulate their little minds with your superior one. After all you have that English degree right? Maybe you can use your superior linguistics to mold his mind into the right shape, I'm too damn good.

(Protip: I still can't get over that Lindbergh baby reference...)

Now as for your English degree; shut the fuck up. Your an Oxford graduate flipping burgers in a drive-thru, the only major accomplishment you've made today, aside from contacting me the eminent adviser, is that you've managed to keep your pecker away from the oil in the deep fat fryer son. Take your Tofu and shove it up your ass!

You have the keys to getting a raise, a promotion, or a coup d'etat and a successful reign. May I suggest if you go with the coup, that you introduce the Skulgrim Burger. Make it from the fallen enemies of your reign! And add BBQ sauce! (McDonalds already has this but calls it a McRib.)

With power that's surely greater,
Skulgrim, Son of Skulgrim

(P.S.: Don't tell McDonalds that I told you the secret about the McRib. I think I may be liable for copyright infringement.)

Sickened in Sydney

2010-02-27T20:25:00.000-08:00

"Dear Skulgrim, Son of Skulgrim;

I'm a big fan, I've been enjoying your advice with everyone in my commune since your very first blog post. Lately however life has fallen to pieces and I don't know what to do! After buying my latest Peter Singer book, I came across the most wonderful man, he's perfect in almost every way. He is strong, handsome, manly, but the problem is... he's a butcher. Literally, that's his job! How can I, the leader of a Vegan commune, be with a butcher?!

Oh but it doesn't stop there. I've been getting meat cravings too. He keeps bringing home all these pieces of animal carcass. He calls them briskets, fillet mignon, pork chops, and the like but they're just pieces of a dead creature that was once full of life! Oh Skulgrim, Son of Skulgrim, your wisdom is undeniable... what do I do?

With frantic fears,
Sickened in Sydney

(P.S.: He won't stop eating meat either! He laughs at my Wiccan rituals and condemns my communes as Hippie-ish!)"

To Sickened in Sydney,

Okay are you fucking serious woman? When did it become okay for mankind to start condemning murder as unethical?! What the fuck?! You know something woman, if meat is murder, murder never tasted so fucking delicious. You want my advice bitch? My advice is don't submit advice for vegans to a staunch CARNIVORE. But if you want to deal wit this crap, I shall aid you in doing so. It's time for you to learn: Ethics is a compilation of bullshit coming from the infected colon of civilization.

To keep the heart of the man you love, you must first corrupt yourself to his level, and it's not that hard. I suggest going to your local hardware store and buying a screwdriver. I would recommend a Phillips head screwdriver. Next go out and find your local cattle mating ranch and find a bull. This is especially worthwhile if it's mating season since the Bull will be going apeshit. Fight the bull and kill it with the screwdriver, I would recommend aiming for the neck or spine for maximum damage but be creative in the way you kill it. Drag the corpse off before the cattle rancher notices your there because you could be tried for some pretty outrageous charges, so be quick and stealthy.

Already you've gotten over the 'being against animal cruelty' pussydom, now you just need to skin the damn thing and eat it all. Eating something you killed yourself is the best cure for the disease 'Veganism' which is known to cause mental retardation and unwarranted self-importance. Like that Peter Singer douche, fuck that guy, he and Noam Chomsky can go buy a corporate share and eat beef after giving each other facials.

(Protip: Veganism and Socialism are mental diseases, like Down Syndrome.)

Now before the blood on your lips dries, I would pick up the screwdriver and go kill everyone in your commune. If they're pacifist fucks, then they're likely to not resist, giving you an upper hand. If not, then kill them off stealthily, one by one. Make sure none of them know of any murders since they'll likely pussy fart their way out of there. You can eat them if you want for extra points, after all developing a taste for human flesh might be food for survival in the impending zombie apocalypse (don't say it won't happen, it will... heathens).

Now as for the New Age crap you're practicing; rituals, healing crystals, organic teas, etc. Stop that shit. Take all your objects used for that crap, throw it into a fire place, and burn it all. Keep on doing anything involving sex or nudity (like nudism or tantric sex) mainly because we need more women who like being naked and slutty in the world. How else will I plant my seed and continue my family line?

(Protip: New Age is pronounced Newage... like Sewage.)

Now your boy friend sounds like a nice enough guy, after all there can be no evil among the hippie-hating butchers, I say you reward him. Enslave some of the women from your commune and give him a harem, maybe an orgy involving you and the other women. He will brag about you, no seriously, he will.

Also throw out your new age music and replace it with something good and wholesome. Like Death Metal about barbarians and killing things. Try a band named "Bloody Shit Thunder" and their hit single "I WILL FUCK YOUR MOTHER AND SKIN YOUR FATHER". If that's not good wholesome music with wonderful morals, I don't know what is. Keep it real Sickened in Sydney, I just solved all your problems, and hopefully turned away from that world of pacifism and pussydom.

With unquestionable intelligence,
Skulgrim, Son of Skulgrim

(P.S.: I'd like to see some of the photos of you and the harem. Indulge me woman. Consider it payment for my ingenious advice.)

Wondering in Walla Walla

2010-02-19T17:24:00.000-08:00

"Dear Skulgrim, Son of Skulgrim;

Ah Skulgrim, Son of Skulgrim, your advice has brought me enlightenment and enjoyment for four wonderful weeks. Your wisdom and grace are no match for any problem, and that is why I come before you with a quandary of my own. Recently I received cash from my Mum to spend on whatever outfit I desire for this wonderful ball that occurs annually in my city for upper class white people. My ex-boyfriend is going to be there with his new lover... and she's a fashion model.

Now at first I wasn't worried, after all that means she's just an anorexic stick right? But then I started thinking... that's exactly what he liked about me! All I need is to pick the perfect outfit, and that's why I come to you for help, oh Skulgrim... son of Skulgrim. You wonderful figure of perfection and manly awesome... what do I do?

With adoration unending,
Wondering in Walla Walla

(P.S.: Know where I could get a handsome man to make my ex jealous? It's all he's trying to do to me.)"

To Wondering in Walla Walla,

Fashion?! Is that what you've come to me with? A problem involving colors and sequins and douchey little fucking overpriced clothes?! Who the fuck cares!! Ugh, but as an adviser I will suffer through this and just roll. So you want something fashionable? You want to stun everyone in the ballroom? Well despite my hatred and contempt for it, I've got the perfect fashion sense. Let's start basic... if you want to catch eyes of men you need to show as much skin as possible. So I suggest getting something slutty which takes the idea of decency and completely skull fucks it. Maybe you can go in wearing saran wrap or tinfoil. Either way, don't wear panties, otherwise men will just look to some other slut.

You're probably thinking this doesn't involve gratuitous violence, how can fashion involve violence in anyway? How is this in Skulgrim, Son of Skulgrim's capacity? Well to answer your question butterbutt, this involves blood. It always does.

If you want something for those harsh winters, I recommend fur, go out and find a mother bear suckling her young and kill her with your bare hands. Hehe... bear, bare... anyways. For good measure kill the baby bears and skin them all, take the meat too, don't want to waste it. Take it home and drape the furs around you in an inviting (slutty) way, and if you have any of the blood, use it for war paint. After all, you want your ex to know this is battle right?

(Protip: Even fashion involves some brutal shit.)

Now you've got your fabric, maybe for color you should try something metal... like iron. Get some chain-mail to put around your bearskins. After all, if there's anything 20th century fantasy movies have taught me, it's that scantily clad warrior chicks are the sexiest thing on earth. Seriously, watch any movie with swords and women. You'll see it. Metal is a sexy color, bear skins are a sexy fabric, for boots... I recommend snatching rattlesnakes off the ground and sticking your feet right into them after ripping off their head. It may sound silly but nothing says hardcore woman like snake skin shoes.

Now tell anyone I'm this brilliant genius with fashion and I'll find you and make you eat your parents. Or I'll eat you. Or both, or maybe neither. Any case there'll be brutal shit happenin' down there.

As for your P.S: Your average man is polyamorous in a one sided sense. In nature he makes love to many women at a time in a tribe and always wants more. It's spreading his seed, it's nature, evolutionary advantage, look it up snotty bitch. Each women he fucks as apart of his little harem is like a symbol of power, and of course pretty nice looking property. Now if she fucks another man who's no threat, it's simple nuisance to him, nothing more. Like a mosquito... only except on sucking blood she swallows mass quantities of an inferior man's seed.

If you truly want his blood to boil in the vast rivers of Phlegathon (high brow reference, suck it) you must find a truly superior man. A man who beats him in all ways, a man who is the embodiment of perfection, beauty, strength, nobility, power, and intelligence. By that I mean me. I'll grace your rather homely face with my presence, tremble in my steps. Seriously bitch you seem like an ugly woman. No woman has to work hard to get back at her bf, all she has to do is walk into a football locker and spread her legs. No effort what so ever.

(Protip: Open legs to men act as open arms to their heart.)

But since you're so... pathetic, I'll show your ex what a true man is, or kill him by snapping his spine. Either way, you better be able to cook a meal and carry your weight. I'll bring my harem too.

Follow these tips and he'll be green with envy, red with rage, blue with sorrow, and pink with his repressed homosexuality, seriously fuck preppies.

With total accuracy,
Skulgrim, Son of Skulgrim

(P.S.: By the way, ugly or not, how are your tits? Your legs, ass, and of course your womanly vagina parts. If I'm going to do this I better get something out of this.)

Furious in Florida

2010-02-12T21:12:00.000-08:00

"Dear Skulgrim, Son of Skulgrim;

My family and I have been living in a fine neighborhood for some twenty years. And I was irate to find out that we have a rowdy bunch of ~~negroes~~ ~~blacks~~ African Amercian citizens moving in next door. Now I'm an enlightened woman, so I just turned the other cheek as Christ would. But lately they've started playing this horrible music. It's called "Rap", and it sounds like they're practicing Voodoo rituals to it. But it's worse, I looked up some "Rap" song lyrics, they contain profanity and talk about fornicating young ladies and violence! I sent them a strongly worded letter, and threatened to gather some neighbors together for a petition!

But they don't stop! It's just like talking to a wall! Oh please Skulgrim, Son of Skulgrim, won't you help this poor woman raise her children right? With out the corruption of slum youth music? Or at least get them to turn the ~~motherfucking~~ music down!

With motherly worry,
Furious in Florida

(P.S.: Perhaps you can find a way to fix the problem with out getting the ~~niggers~~ ~~porch monkeys~~ ~~dangerous minorities~~, family next door angry?)"

To Furious in Florida,

I've had my share of bad neighbors. Trust me this is just the beginning. It starts with blaring music, next thing you know they're borrowing your tools and not giving them back, as if that wasn't enough they start poisoning your water supply, stealing your food, raping your wife (or husband in your case), and then they boldly stand up to you and attempt to usurp you from your home!

Seriously for a look at how Neighbors act in history, you need look no further than Nazi Germany, am I right? Lebensraum my ass, they want to make you one of their little monkey soldiers. Your black (yes, I said black) neighbors likely need to get the idea that you don't fuck around.

(Protip: If someone lives next to you, they're likely a douchebag.)

I would go with your basic form of social diplomacy; a threat. Tell them if you disobey you'll destroy their ghetto-ass life and all they know, if the problem persists. Follow through, plant evidence of an affair in his brown sugar's room. Blow up his boss's BMW and make it seem like he's responsible so he'll lose his job at McDonalds, blow up his car and his house too! Make him wish he had never crossed you! Fear must be mastered, and struck into the hearts of your enemies, only then will your enemies respect you... or some shit.

And if you want to add insult to injury, I recommend leaving shattered bits of his records/CDs/mp3 player in his bed each night. Along with a little note, taunting him! Send pizzas to his house at every hour of the night, ninety nine exactly. All of them with mayonnaise, black people HATE mayonnaise.

(Protip: Black people despise Skulgrim, Son of Skulgrim.)

Now as for your P.S, no you cannot solve this at all with out making enemies. Conflict is good, it's healthy, don't worry. As long as you live, you're a detriment to someone else. Someone else has a much better life if you're dead, and they'll endeavor to make it so. You must destroy them first. Especially if they're neighbors.

Now as for the Rap, I recommend giving your kid something worth while... give him an axe! Teach him to fight! Don't let him become a silly pussy like his father. Obviously if he was around (or a man) you wouldn't be having this problem because you're a woman and belong in a field, squatting and giving birth.

(Protip: Feminists despise Skulgrim, Son of Skulgrim.)

Your neighbors will either quiet the fuck up, or know to -never- fuck with you again. They might still mess with your husband because he's a god damn pussy! Seriously, fuck pussies... womens... you should be a stripper. Your husband will brag about you. He will, seriously.

With astute brilliance,
Skulgrim, Son of Skulgrim

(P.S.: And for fuck's sake, if you're a racist be honest about it. Or else the skinheads will come and rape your husband in the night. They will, I'm not even kidding. And they'll leave their Aryan pubes in his mouth... gods help that wuss.)

Mad in Massachusetts

2010-02-06T20:14:00.000-08:00

"Dear Skulgrim, Son of Skulgrim;

You're amazing, flawless, a bastion of manliness and all that is Adonis-like beauty. I always wondered to myself if the letters were true, so I decided to submit a problem of my own and find out. I'm a young college student at MIT, I'm finding it difficult to pull all-nighters since I got a girl friend. She has been relentlessly seducing me and pulling me into threesomes with her hot bisexual female friend. I wouldn't complain normally, but my grade has dropped to a... it's difficult to admit this... an A-. That's the lowest I've ever gotten on anything, I spent a whole night in tears, unable to stay erect because I kept thinking about my falling GPA. This has been plaguing me Skulgrim, Son of Skulgrim, please you must help me.

Cordially yours,
Mad in Massachusetts

(P.S.: Also how do I fix my erectile problem? Is it just my grades?)"

To Mad in Massachusetts,

I spent time thinking about this one, I've come to one conclusion: YOU'RE A SPOILED FUCK! Seriously two chicks at once? Normally I have to travel five hundred miles to plant my seed in a hot and heavy psychiatrist to come across that kind of luck! What the fuck dude?! Seriously!? Ugh, let me just say I hate you man. I hate you more then I hate those idiots who place bumper stickers on their car which display complex political or theological opinions in a single sentence in hopes of annoying the driver behind them to the point of suicide. But as a great adviser it is my job, nay, my duty to give you quality advice. So get your notepad ready, or I'll pop through your screen and eat your face (I will, seriously).

I suppose the best and most mature way to handle this would be the good old fashioned American way. Through lies, deception, theft, and (possibly) murder. First I would recommend you get someone to study and do your homework for you. No worries about paying them in money, if your girl friend is as slutty as she sounds, I'd recommend letting them spend an hour with your girl friend for the work they do. Allow your woman to quit being a liability and instead allow her to become (perhaps through force) a radiant vessel of your success.

(Protip: Your woman can double as payment.)

Now that would cover you for getting the material in your head and maybe the homework done so you have more time to bone your woman and her hot nubile friends. But what about tests? State tests, pop-quizzes (do teachers even still do that shit?), and the like. Well you can do a couple of things here; threaten your teacher with force for a good grade on each test. That's how I got through college with a PhD in Neuroroboticlasercybernetics, and a Masters in Advise Giving. But since you seem like a weak little pussy, I recommend paying your teacher in sex too. If she's a woman, give her your own little piece of peen, if she's a man or a woman who likes girls, pay her with your woman too... if it's a gay guy then I recommend giving him the woman too. Because we all know gays are just men who're too lazy to get chicks and settle for guys.

(Protip: Homosexuals absolutely despise Skulgrim, Son of Skulgrim.)

Now this is the best way to deal with the subjects at hand. This way you get sex, an education, and a shit load of respect. But if you're lazy may I recommend cleaning out the gene pool and just offing yourself right now. If you find that idea abhorrent or just too much work; just think about how much your life sucks right now...

You got a hot girl friend who likes other hot women and wants you to share your flaccid penis with them and you can't enjoy that because you have a god damn insecurity complex involving your mediocre grades at MIT. Seriously you'd be doing the world a favor by taking eating a gun. Imagine how much more people will appreciate you if you're dead too. Like Van Gogh, either way, hope the advice works for you. If not? You're shit outta luck then bro. Whatever the case; enjoy your degree Mad in Massachusetts, or your funeral, however empty it might be.

With tender loving care,
Skulgrim, Son of Skulgrim

(P.S.: If you take the suicide route, I'd like to meet this little gf of yours, send her my e-mail.)

Antsy in Austin

2010-01-30T19:54:00.000-08:00

"Dear Skulgrim, Son of Skulgrim;

I love your blog, I've been reading it for a whole week. And I never thought I'd find myself seeking your infinite wisdom. But the time has come apparently, yesterday my wife told me her parents are coming by to stay with us for a month while they get their house tented. My father-in-law and I have never gotten along; I believe at one point during the hunting trip he even tried to kill me. I've got one wound, seven stitches, saw the bone... but that's aside the point. As you can guess he and I never got along. He was always against my marriage to his 'perfect' daughter. From the moment I stepped into his house with my long hair, my shaggy beard, my Nirvana t-shirt and my jacket with pro-marijuana patches peppered across it, he hated me. I want to bury the hatchet, it's been almost ten years now, and I just got married three years ago. Oh Skulgrim, Son of Skulgrim, what can I possibly do?

Signed,
Antsy in Austin, TX

(P.S.: Also my wife always takes his side, how could I fix that?)"

To Antsy in Austin, TX,

You fucking pussy. You let this elderly/middle-aged dickhead push you around for ten god damn years!? What the fuck man? I'll beat you down later though, we've got a problem to solve here, and I'm going to have to work around your yuppie ass. It appears to me that you simply have a normal, average (and possibly psychopathic) man who is against your marriage. You got nothing to worry about dude. It's nothing that a little bit of my advice can't solve to perfection.

For the father-in-law there are two routes you can take. I've seen both get done and nothing will come but good results. The first is challenge the bastard to a death match. If this fucker wants you out of the way so much tell him to do something about it and quit whining like a little bitch. Solve it the way our ancestors did! With bloodshed and glory! Both of you choose a melee weapon; back in the day this could be an axe or a sword but now with technology we have chainsaws and cro-bars or even your guitar (assuming you're one of those douche bags who sits under a tree barefoot and plays songs you wrote on the back of your biology notebook).

If he's worthy of living he'll win, if not he'll die. If it was good enough for our founding fathers (Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr be damned) it should be good enough for you. If you're worried about him winning, maybe you're the one not worthy of life, asshole.

(Protip: If you are worth that yuppie life of yours; you can kill a man.)

Another idea is also astoundingly simple, so simple even you with your stupid-ass could pull it off. Seduce and fuck his wife. That's right your mother-in-law. Maybe if he doesn't want you with his daughter, you should show him what it's like when you're off the leash! Make him appreciate the fact you're plowing his daughter rather than his wife. This could lead to the death match solution, in fact I'm almost certain of it. So either way be prepared for lots of blood.

(Protip: Men hate seeing their rivals fuck their wives.)

In any case, if this doesn't solve your wife's inability to take his side, I say you kick her in a pit. I saw it in that one movie "300". It looked pretty bad ass, it might kill her but I think you'll get your point across. Just remember to say something as you're doing so "WRONG SIDE BITCH!" or if you prefer something subtle "Try and take his side now!" or even be classic "This is Sparta!" and damn if they weren't bad ass.

Hopefully this will fix your damn near 50's sitcom high jinx. If not I recommend just buying a gun to let them all know who wears the pants and the lead in your family. Fuck em.

In all sincerity,
Skulgrim, Son of Skulgrim

(P.S.: Send me pics of the mother-in-law... I got a thing for them.)

Desperate in Delaware

2010-01-23T18:15:00.000-08:00

"Dear Skulgrim, Son of Skulgrim;

My husband and I have been married for 23 years and he used to be enthralled by my cooking. He used to love my sauteed lobster bisque, it was his favorite dish. But lately I haven't found lobsters to be an economic decision. I've tried some other things; fillet mignon, roast duck with Italian spices, but he seems to do nothing but roll his eyes when I serve him each entree. I found myself desperate last week... I was in the frozen food section. Please I beg of you Skulgrim, Son of Skulgrim, what will revive the spice in my marriage?

Sincerely yours,
Desperate in Delaware

(P.S.: I fear there might be a problem, dare I say, in the bedroom too!)"

To Desperate in Delaware,

I don't see much of a problem here, at least not one with out an obvious solution. My father once said that all good solutions out there have two things in common; they're manly, and they're blind to you assholes. That's why you need a guru like me. Anyways; as a wife you're probably used to working with your hands (I won't tell him about Mandingo the Pool-boy) which should help you out here quite a bit. If you ask me, what your husband is craving is to rip off that damn cashmere sweater vest and those argyle socks, put on some tube socks you get in Walmart for a dollar a pack and maybe a wife beater and reconnect to his manly roots. Seriously; fuck penny loafers.

I ask you treat me as Solomon (we're not cutting him in half... yet), and follow my advice no matter how unjust or immoral it sounds.

If you want your man to have the dinner and sex of his life, I recommend stripping down nude for starters (no woman can go wrong with that) and rub yourself in the scent (piss) of a deer. Go into the forests and find a deer, rabbit, or some woodland creature; and kill it with your bare hands. Drag it's bloody carcass back to your kitchen, skin it and cook it just a little.

(Protip: Men love red meat and naked women.)

Place down some cold beers and awaken your husband by engaging in sapphic acts with a hot young co-ed. If this doesn't wake him up he's either gay or his penis is broken. I guarantee you, he'll be quivering all over you like a mound of love pudding. Oh yeah and fucking your eyeballs out.

Enjoy your spicy marriage Desperate in Delaware. This is like spraying mace right in your eye.

Yours truly,
Skulgrim, Son of Skulgrim

(P.S.: Consider letting him do shit with the co-ed too. He'll brag about you, he will, seriously.)